in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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