She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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