I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she told me i tasted like america
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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