Pants 0. Shit 1.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
