I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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