I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize