I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
