3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
