hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize