So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
