I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
