I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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