im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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