He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize