I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
