did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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