Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize