Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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