I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
