my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
