I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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