a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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