Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
