Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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