shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
