I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
