She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
