I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
