My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
