I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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