literally had 100 drinks last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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