this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
