my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You ruined the universe
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
