Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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