Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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