i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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