Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
