i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
