My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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