You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
