Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
