i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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