dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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