just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Well I just put wine in my tea
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
