Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
