just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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