So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
