mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
