I smell stomach acid.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
