yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
