OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
