My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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