Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Actions speak louder than pants.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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