where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize