Little spoons don't ask big questions
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize