I need to stop coming to work sober
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
