did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
