Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
