I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize