I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
