Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
