Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She's the barista slut.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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