i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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