Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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