she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
